My Top Five Most Irritating Songs Of All Time

Everyone has their "best of" song lists, but what about those songs that just plain annoy you? Here are five songs that irritate the Hell out of me. The kicker is that all of these songs have stood the test of time and are popular enough that I will never entirely escape them. 


The Clash - "Rock The Casbah"

I know everybody loves The Clash. I don't, but I'll save that for another blog. Anyway, this is the first Clash song I ever heard, and maybe that's why I don't like them. The drums are playing some fake disco beat, the piano part is dorky, the guitar stabs are piercing, the bass is all over the place and Joe Strummer makes absolutely no attempt to sing on key. In fact, I think he's trying NOT to sing on key. I know he's "punk", but it sounds like crap. I guess this song is supposed to be "political" or something, I still have no idea what he's mumbling about. It gives me a headache.


The B-52's - "Love Shack"

I don't particularly like any B-52's, but this one takes the cake for it's ubiquitous use by wedding DJ's, 80's-themed radio stations and party mixes. This song takes their losing formula of effeminate rapping, off-key female background vocals and unfunky R&B riffs and pushes it to the limit. And what's with her yelling.. "tiiin rooof, rusted!!"? I feel like I'm being scolded. Just stop it!


The Offspring - "Come Out and Play (Keep Em Separated)

I disliked this when I first heard it. On top of that, when this was getting serious airplay, I was bed/toilet ridden with a nasty stomach flu for two days. I felt like crap and couldn't get this "Arabian" guitar riff out of my head. It still makes me sick to listen to this song.



Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock - "It Takes Two"

As with "Love Shack", this seems to be a favorite with party DJs. The problem with this song is the incessant James Brown sample. "WHOO.. YEAH".  It goes throughout the entire song and never lets up or cuts out for a section. It's like someone is driving a railroad spike into my skull.  The female vocal part, "It takes two to make a thing go riyy-eeet" is almost as annoying.


George Benson - "On Broadway"

I remember hearing this song over the radio in my parents' car when I was a kid. I never liked it. I'm not exactly sure why. I think it's the repetitive two-note riff that keeps on going forever.. then changes key... then changes back. The vocals are over-enunciated smooth jazz cheese. It just gets under my skin. I know Benson is supposedly a great jazz guitar player, but this song sucks.

A Brief History of Bald Rock N' Roll

Rock n' roll has always been about hair. From Elvis' pompadour to the Beatles' mop tops - from hippies to heavy metal , it's part of the look and the rebellion of the music. As a bald guy who loves to rock, this makes me a bit self-conscious. To make myself feel better, I compiled a quick list of bald rock n' rollers throughout rock music history. 


Ed Cassidy - Spirit

Stepfather of Spirit guitarist Randy California, Ed Cassidy (aka "Mr. Skin") pounded the drums on such late 60's and early 70's hits as "I Got A Line On You" and "Nature's Way".  They also wrote a song called "Taurus" from which Led Zeppelin lifted the intro to "Stairway To Heaven" (uncredited). It's just like a bunch of longhairs to do that kind of thing .






Issac Hayes

Black Moses. Isaac proved that you didn't need a fancy hairdo to make the the ladies melt into hot-buttered soul exctacy. He also supports the generally accepted theory that black guys look cooler with shaved heads than white guys do.








Angry Anderson - Rose Tattoo

Bald, short, tattooed, Australian, and presumably "angry", Anderson fronted the classic hard rock band Rose Tattoo.  With a voice somewhere between Bon Scott and Axl Rose, this guy is the real deal and could likely kick most poodle-haired rockers' asses in a bar fight.






Peter Garrett - Midnight Oil

Another Aussie. Must be something in the water (or beer) down there. Best known for their hit "Beds Are Burning", Midnight Oil had a handful of other minor hits before fading into obscurity. I seem to recall that Garrett became involved with politics or law or something. He had a unique voice, biting lyrics and some cool, spazzy dance moves. I like to think that this band wouldn't have been as good if some foo-foo haired pretty boy like Michael Hutchence were fronting.

Sinead O'Connor

I always thought she took herself way too damn seriously, but I can't deny that Sinead has an amazing voice and made some beautiful music. She also demonstrated that if you are an attractive woman, you can chop off those locks and still look sexy. 

Chris Slade - AC/DC, The Firm

Probably to be forever known as "That Bald Guy Who Was In AC/DC". Slade played drums on the album The Razor's Edge and supporting tour in the early 90's. Prior to this, he also worked with Jimmy Page and Paul Rodgers in The Firm. I don't like his playing quite as much as Phil Rudd's, but he's representin' the skin, so he gets my props.

Billy Corgan - Smashing Pumpkins

After the receding hairline post-grunge classic, Siamese Dream, Billy hit the clippers for the release of the double concept album, Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness  Re-inventing himself as a whiny, glam rock alien, Corgan became the first star of the "alternative generation" go full-on with the chrome dome.

Joe Satriani

I saw Satriani perform back in the late 80's and he was losing a genetic battle with a quasi-metal mullet. Satch wisely hit it with the Bic razor in the 90's and started to resemble the Silver Surfer from his first album cover. Satriani now shreds with full-maned singer Sammy Hagar and somewhat follically-challenged bass player Michael Anthony in the band Chickenfoot.  

Bret Michaels - Poison

From one Bret to another: You're not fooling anybody. Let it shine, brother. Let it shine..

The most influential albums of all time! (for ME)

I always get sucked into reading or watching those "best of" or "most influential" albums of all time lists. It's interesting (and somewhat predictable) to see what turns up. I got to thinking though, some of these albums were influential to the masses, and brilliant works but didn't necessarily have an impact on my life. I can't say that "Sgt. Pepper" and "Songs In The Key of Life" aren't great records, but I can't really relate to them on a personal level. So, I came up with a list of albums that influenced me. Some of these may not be "masterpieces", but who cares. The nice thing about this list is that you can't argue with it. You might think they all suck, but you're not me!  (Note: I've sequenced them by the year I discovered them - not necessarily by when they were released).

1983 - Men At Work - "Cargo"

This is on the list because it was the first album I ever bought. I got it on cassette at the Record World in Southbury, CT.  In retrospect, it's not a stellar album, but it set me on the path of music fandom. "Overkill" is still one of my favorite songs and Colin Hay still has a great voice.. and it has a really cool album cover.








1983 - Def Leppard - "Pyromania"

Like most people, when I first started getting into music, I would just listen to Top 40 radio. In '83 that meant Men At Work, Culture Club, Duran Duran, The Fixx, etc..but when I first heard "Rock of Ages", I was blown away. I got this cassette and was instantly hooked. Here was some poppy, catchy, music, but it ROCKED.  It also steered me towards the likes of Scorpions, Van Halen, Quiet Riot, Motley Crue.. and basically the bread and butter of what most I love about rock to this day. Even though it's somewhat overplayed, I still love this record.




1985 - Van Halen - "Van Halen"

I had already been into "1984" and "Diver Down" and had heard some earlier songs on mix tapes/radio, but when I got this and listened to the whole thing front-to-back, I was floored. This record, combined with Marty McFly's "Johnny B Goode" scene in Back To The Future convinced me that I HAD to play guitar. I still think that this is one of the best albums, if not THE best album ever recorded - by anyone. Incredible songs, amazing playing, explosive energy.. and a sense of humor! It's a timeless record for me. Alas,shortly after I fell in love with this record, it was announced that David Lee Roth was officially out of the band - an early lesson in heartbreak at age 13.



1990 - David Bowie - "Hunky Dory"

The summer between high school and college. I was full-on into the hard rock/metal thing: Guns N' Roses, Metallica etc.. Rykodisc had just reissued the early Bowie catalogue (which had been out of print for years). I liked Bowie from "Let's Dance" and whatever old songs they played on the radio so I picked this up on a whim. This record didn't "rock", but it got to me. Something about the his voice and the melodies and the sound affected me. It's odd, because lyrically, there are songs about Andy Warhol and Mars and homosexuality and obscure literature and cacti (?), These are subjects that were and are meaningless to me. Maybe it was just that alien quality that I found interesting..or the voice of another young oddball going through ch-ch-ch-changes. In any case, it's a great record.  It didn't really influence me as a musician, but somehow spoke to me at the time... and I still like it.

1992 - Ween - "God Ween Satan"

Around this time, on school breaks, my buddy Kyle and I - bored and still too young to get into bars would spend time writing stupid songs and recording them on a 4-track. We made full use of pitch shifting, wacky effects and dumb jokes. After playing some of it for friends,  someone told us to check out Ween. I got "Pure Guava" and loved it.. and then found this at the local record store. The first time I heard it, I was in tears from laughing so hard. The more I listened, I was hooked. Total insanity. The songs were all over the place: punk, reggae, metal, soft rock, Prince-style funk, and experimental freakouts.. yet, there was a degree of song craft and continuity that kept it all together. It's hilarious..yet at times sincere. "Birthday Boy" still makes me choke up. I've never heard a record like this -before or after. These guys are geniuses in my book.

1999 - Supersuckers - "The Evil Powers Of Rock N' Roll"

The late 90's were a dismal time for rock n' roll music. There had been almost a decade of angsty, fake post-grunge and boring music  (Candlebox, Bush, Hootie and the Blowfish etc..), and the new "heavy" music was knuckle-headed garbage like Korn and Limp Bizkit. I was about to give up hope on rock n' roll when I saw this in a "new releases" display at Amoeba Music in SF. I knew immediately from the album cover alone that I had to have this. Turned out it was exactly what I needed - a bunch of guys having fun playing unapologetic hard rocknroll. It's fun, it's loud, it's ballsy, it's everything I wanted.. and I put me on my current and lifelong quest to rock out. I also discovered that these guys weren't alone -  there were other rockers under the radar: Hellacopters, Turbonegro, Gluecifer, Nashville Pussy, Supagroup, Upper Crust... and now my own dumb, loud rock band!

No pants, no shoes, no dice...

OK, dress code time.

There are no shorts, bare feet or sandals allowed on the rock n' roll stage. Don't argue, I make the laws around here. The reason? There is no reason other than that it's dorky and lame. Frat guys, golfers and beach bums do not rock. I don't care if it's 100 degrees, put some pants and shoes on.

Of course, with any rule there are exceptions. Here are the ONLY instances where it is OK to wear shorts or bare feet on stage: 

 - You are Angus Young.

 - You are a girl. Lots of leg is a good thing. Hot pants are..uh hot..and obviously a skirt is not pants..so no worries. Be careful though ladies, Capri pants are off limits.

 - You are a drummer.  No one can see your legs anyway and you're working hard back there. I also understand that bare feet are sometimes preferred for better control of the kick and hi-hat pedals. Tommy Lee and Alex Van Halen wear shorts, so you can too.

 - You are in Anthrax.. and it's 1988.


Note: In addition to the above rules and exceptions.. Sandals are NEVER acceptable onstage. In addition khaki slacks should get your rock n' roll card suspended for life. Yoga pants are currently being discussed by the panel..but it looks likely that they will also be banned.. I know, it's confusing, but these are the rules. If you have any questions, please contact me for clarification.

So, you guys are gonna headline!

Often times, club owners, bookers and so-called "promoters" try to sell you on the idea of "headlining" a show. In layman's terms, "headlining" means going on last. Now, if you are Bon Jovi or Lady Gaga or the buzz band du jour, of course you're headlining. Everyone is there to see you, no matter how late you go on. This isn't the case with being a local band slugging it out in bars and clubs.

-  Most nights there's 3-4 bands (at cool places) and 5-6 bands (at shitty places).. that means if you're "headlining" you go on at 12:30-1am. By this time, most people have either left or are busy trying to seal the deal with some chick/dude before closing time.

 - By laying the "headliner" title on you, the "promoter" (who does nothing to promote the show) expects you to draw a shit-ton of people. In our case, most of our fans and friends are in their 30's and 40's..they're not coming out to your club if they know we're going on at 1am.

- Most other bands play too long and take their sweet time setting up and breaking down before and after their sets (especially if they have props, effects or bad punk rock attitudes). This practice pushes the "headline" slot back even farther into the wee hours..

To me, the true "headline" slot is 2nd.  There's one band ahead of you to break in the room and allow some time for people to get some drinks in their belly - yet still be awake enough to enjoy the show. My band and I are also still sober enough to rock your ass off - and then we can sit back, drink, relax and watch the other bands.. maybe even the "headliner".

Somebody Get Me A Doctor

What's wrong with me? I'm almost 40 years old, but still have the mind of a 15 year old metal head. I can't shake it. I have dumb rock n' roll on my brain almost all of the time (when I'm not thinking about sex or beer or worrying about money). Let me welcome you to a day in the life:

August 3, 2011

8:35am: Passed a street in Boulder called "Moorhead". All I could think is that someone should climb up that pole and stick a "t" between the two "o"s.

9:40 am:  Stopped at a light behind a car with a plates ending in "TYR". This is the title of a bad Black Sabbath album from 1990.

12:10 pm: Became involved in discussion with two 15 year old kids about the awesomeness of Dokken and The Scorpions. They were impressed that I saw both bands live "back in the day".

12:30 pm: Stopped at a railroad crossing, waiting for a long, slow train to pass. I couldn't' get the Doobie Brothers' "Long Train Runnin" riff out of my head. (OK, it' kind of a wimpy tune, but it's still a cool riff)

4:50 pm: Saw a Facebook post linking to an article about taxes or something. The author: Randi Rhoads. I didn't read it, I just though about a polka-dotted Flying V and the "Mr. Crowley" guitar solo.

7:00 pm: Band practice! - singing heavy tunes about girls and rockin' - with lots of bad rhymes and guitar solos.

(Note: These are just some highlights. I'm not including the time I spent today teaching guitar at rock camp or talking to my band about music or listening to my iPod in the car)

I just wish I could find a way to make some real money out of this affliction. Maybe Eddie Trunk or Chuck Klosterman could use an assistant?

Leave It To Me Starchild, I'll Bend These Beams With My Mind!

I attended a highly enjoyable backyard party and screening of of Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The Park last night.  If you haven't seen this film, the general premise is as follows:  An evil genius who builds animatronic robots for a theme park sees KISS (who are performing at the park) as a threat to his livelihood and sets out to destroy them.  Unfortunately for him, KISS has a box of mystical "talismen" which give them other-worldly powers.

In reflecting upon the movie, I realized that it was never clearly explained exactly WHAT super powers each band member has. 

Here's what I could gather:

Paul Stanley (Starchild) - shoots a laser beam out of his eye.  This laser allows him to listen to distant conversations and read minds.  He also is smooth with the ladies.

Gene Simmons (The Demon) - breathes fire (of course), super-human strength.  He also appears to be able to have some sort of mind-reading skills. Growls and speaks with a bad tape-echo effect.

Ace Frehley (Space Ace) - can teleport himself and the band using a ZZ Top-style hitchhiking thumb move, can move objects telepathically. Says "Ack!" a lot for no reason.

Peter Criss (Cat Man) - tells corny cat-related one-liners.

The moral of this story? Nobody cares about the drummer.



Here's a link to some highlights from movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I67yUxhSbPc

Trivia:  Depending on the story, Peter Criss was either too wasted, had too thick of a Brooklyn accent or just plain didn't show up for the voice over sessions.  All of his lines were dubbed in by voice over actor Michael Bell.  You might recognize his voice as Zan from the SuperFriends and various Scooby-Doo, Smurfs, GI Joe and other cartoon characters.

Free Bird!

Maybe it’s just me, but I hate it when some drunk guy (it’s never a girl) yells  “Free Bird!” between songs at a rock show. Why does this bother me so much?  I’m not quite sure, but let’s examine some possibilities:

1.       It’s not funny.. or original.  I don’t know when this practice entered popular culture – the first I was aware of it was in a Beavis & Butthead short film (prior to the MTV series) in the early 90s – although I’m sure it was around before then.  It possibly dates back to the “What song is it you want to hear?” dialogue from the live version on One More For The Road (1976). In any case, when you yell “Free Bird” anywhere other than a Skynyrd (or Skynyrd tribute band) show, you are being a douchebag. Nobody in the bar or in the band is amused. Most likely they want to punch you in the balls.

2.       Nobody plays “Free Bird” anymore. There was probably a time in the late 70’s and 80’s where every crappy cover band did this song, but no longer. I am trying to think of the last time I heard anyone other than Lynyrd Skynyrd do this song. It was probably over 20 years ago.

3.        Do you even know what “Free Bird” sounds like? I have the suspicion that most people    yelling for it don’t even know the song.  Kind of like how most people who wear Ramones t-shirts don’t listen to the Ramones. They just think it’s a cool thing to do.

4.       I am a loser and shouldn’t waste my time worrying about what some wasted knucklehad is yelling at a rock show.   

So, what is the solution?  People like to shout “Free Bird” more than they actually want to hear “Free Bird”.  So, my fellow musician friends; “Free Bird” is not a particularly tricky song to play or sing. We should all just learn it - the worse it sounds, and the longer the end guitar jam, the better.  Be careful what you ask for, punk.  You just might get it!

Get to work, kids. Here’s a link to the tablature:

http://tabs.ultimate-guitar.com/l/lynyrd_skynyrd/free_bird_tab.htm

5 Good Artists That Influenced Bad Music

I've often had the discussion with friends about musicians and bands who in and of themselves were talented, innovative, interesting, or at least tolerable - but went on to influence countless terrible imitators.   Here is a list of five of the main offenders (in no particular order):

Stevie Ray Vaughan:   Stevie was an extremely talented guitar player, soulful singer, and great showman.  He was able to take classic blues, mix it with Hendrix-style pyrotechnics and sell it to the mainstream rock audience in the 1980's.  He also convinced a million soulless stock brokers and lawyers that they could and SHOULD play the blues.  Go to any bar, blues festival, or open mic night and you are almost guaranteed to see some hack butchering "Cold Shot" or "Pride and Joy" or doing that annoying string-raking thing.  I also hold SRV responsible for a lot of bad hats and for driving up prices of vintage guitars.

Nirvana: Yeah, yeah, we've all heard the story.  Corporate rock was getting bloated and boring in the late 80's and these guys came outta nowhere (Seattle) and gave the music biz a shot in the arm.  Kurt was a great songwriter and the band kicked ass with fire and passion.  I can't argue with this.  The problem arises from the fact that everybody (especially musicians) took this band so damn seriously, more seriously than they probably took themselves.  For at least the next 10 years (probably still), it became uncool to have fun.  "No guitar solos allowed!"  "We are 'artists' not rock stars."  "I'm so angst-y and depressed, let me tell you about it"  The sad truth is that there would be no Bush or Creed or Staind or Nickelback without Nirvana.  Is that what Kurt would have wanted?

Eddie Van Halen:  Let me preface by saying that Eddie is one of my favorite guitar players of all time. That being said, at least 95% of his disciples completely miss what makes him so cool.  Eddie shreds for sure, but he is (or at least was) also extremely creative.  He has an ear for pop songwriting and a certain amount of slop/soul that keeps everything firmly in the rock n' roll ballpark.  Having Dave in the band also kept things fun and unpredictable.  Alas, predictability is the bread and butter of most Eddie wannabes: two-hand tapping, whammy bar dives, guitars with stripes, learning "Eruption" note-for-note. Walk into any Guitar Center and you'll hear what I mean.  Eddie also is responsible for lots of nerds obsessing about "tone" on web forums.   

The Grateful Dead: I've never been a huge Deadhead, but I do respect them for creating a unique sound, and writing some great songs ("Ripple", "Casey Jones", "Bertha" etc..).  They were all good musicians (not particularly great singers) who worked hard to become an American institution. Of course, they are also single-handedly responsible for the travesty that is now known as the "jam band scene":  Phish, Widespread Panic, Sting Cheese Incident, Dave Matthews and most of the bands currently playing in Boulder - Endless solos, pointless 20 minute jams, bongos, mandolins... Next time you see a dirty hippie writing down a setlist at a concert, you have The Dead to thank.

Sublime:  I honestly don't know that much about Sublime other than that Bradley Nowell wrote some great, catchy pop tunes and then died of a heroin overdose. They had a cool/different sound at the time, yet never seemed particularly notable to me. Unfortunately, just as SRV convinced a bunch of yuppies to play the blues, Sublime somehow convinced a million frat boys that they should play pop punk with a reggae beat.  College bars are overrun with godawful bands playing bad reggae with "humorous" lyrics about smoking pot. Just because Sublime was able to pull it off, doesn't mean you should try..